When Staying Quiet Hurts: The Hidden Health Cost of Self-Silencing
If you’d prefer to listen to this article, you can access the audio version here.
We’ve all done it.
Bit our tongue to keep the peace. Nodded along when we disagreed. Withheld something we want or need because we don’t want to be “too much.”
For women, and especially mothers, this is almost a reflex. We silence parts of ourselves to stay connected, avoid the discomfort of conflict, and to make sure everyone else is okay. But what if that silence, repeated day after day, year after year, doesn’t actually keep us safe, but keeps us sick?
What Is Self-Silencing?
Self-silencing is the habit of withholding your true feelings, needs, or opinions to maintain harmony or meet others’ expectations. It’s the inner voice that says, “Don’t rock the boat” or “Keep the peace.”
Originally studied by psychologist Dana Jack, self-silencing has been linked to depression, anxiety, and chronic stress (particularly in women who are socially conditioned to equate love with self-sacrifice.) Modern research is showing that this is not just a psychological or behavioral pattern, it’s also a physiological one.
The Biology of Staying Quiet
When we suppress our emotions or fail to speak our truth, our nervous system experiences it as a threat. The stress hormones that flood our body during this “freeze” or “fawn” response weren’t designed to be chronic. Over time, this ongoing internal tension leads to dysregulation, inflammation, fatigue, and even cardiovascular strain.
In one study published in Psychosomatic Medicine (2022), researchers found that women who habitually self-silenced during conflict had significantly higher carotid artery plaque, which is an early sign of heart disease. (Even after controlling for traditional risk factors.) Another review (2019) showed strong correlations between self-silencing and poorer physical and mental health outcomes across multiple populations.
The body keeps the score.
Dr. Todd Rose and the Cost of Staying Quiet
Dr. Todd Rose, author of Collective Illusions and co-founder of the think tank Populace, has spent years researching why people suppress their authentic voices. His findings are staggering: nearly two-thirds of Americans admit to self-silencing because they believe their opinions differ from the majority. Yet in his research he’s discovered that the reality is that most people actually share very similar private beliefs.
In other words, we silence ourselves for a group that doesn’t actually exist.
Dr. Rose calls this phenomenon a “collective illusion”: when individuals conform to a perceived social norm that is, itself, an illusion created by everyone’s silence. The result? A society disconnected from its true values, and individuals disconnected from themselves.
As Dr. Rose says, “The only truly bad decision is when you violate your own values to conform to a group that didn’t want that from you in the first place.”
This misalignment between who we are and what we express isn’t just a philosophical problem. It’s an energetic and biological one. Living out of alignment creates stress, erodes self-trust, and fragments our sense of wholeness (not to mention destroys a healthy society).
Why Mothers Are Especially Vulnerable
For mothers, self-silencing can feel like part of the job description. The cultural script of “good motherhood” rewards selflessness and emotional containment. Mothers are expected to keep the family calm and hold it all together all while feeling grateful, and not complaining.
But when we disconnect from our own needs in service of everyone else’s, we not only burn out, we teach our children, especially our daughters, that love requires self-abandonment.
The highest form of motherhood, one that celebrates the divine feminine, isn’t about perpetual self-sacrifice. It’s about speaking your truth, taking up space, and practicing presence and authenticity - all of which can only exist when we’re fully connected to ourselves.
Returning to Wholeness
In my coaching work, I approach healing from a holistic lens, recognizing that our mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual selves are deeply intertwined.
Self-silencing fractures that connection; holistic wellness restores it. Here’s how:
1. Emotional Awareness
We begin by noticing where we silence ourselves: in relationships, at work, in our inner dialogue. Journaling, reflection, and somatic awareness help surface the moments we shrink. Speaking your truth doesn’t always mean confrontation; sometimes it’s as gentle as admitting to yourself what’s real.
2. Embodiment & Expression
The body holds the words we never say. Movement, breathwork, and energy practices release that stored tension. As you reconnect with your physical sensations, your voice naturally strengthens because your body begins to feel safe enough to express.
3. Boundaries & Alignment
Boundaries are the language of self-respect. When you learn to say no (or even, not now) you retrain your nervous system to trust yourself again. Alignment between values and actions quiets internal conflict and supports physiological regulation.
4. Connection & Community
Healing from silence happens in relationship. When we share our truth in safe, attuned spaces, we experience belonging without betrayal of self. Community becomes a place of resonance, not performance.
This is the heart of holistic wellness: returning to coherence: mind, body, and spirit moving in harmony.
The Invitation
Your truth and your voice is medicine.
It heals not just your body, but the world around you. Every time a woman chooses truth over performance, she shifts the collective field toward authenticity, which is one of the most powerful energies to resonate in.
If you feel the quiet has gone on too long — if your body is tired of holding back — I invite you to take the next step.
Book a complimentary Clarity Call with me, and we’ll explore how to reconnect to your voice, vitality, and authenticity.
