Navigating Your Emotions With Your Kids
A common challenge I hear mothers discussing is how to learn to be okay with their own emotions, while raising children who are learning the same lesson, simultaneously.
Reparenting oneself while parenting one’s own children is a challenge created by the movement of conscious-parenting prevalent in today’s younger generations.
Parents are recognizing that there were some misguided views about emotions growing up, and they want to pass down something different to their children - but since they are still processing their own childhoods (often starting this process AFTER becoming a parent), it can be difficult to navigate this challenge.
Although you may want your kids to learn that emotions such as sadness, anger, frustration, and grief are OKAY to feel, the question becomes: is it really okay to express these things as adults in front of them? Or should we protect children from adult emotions?
Here is my perspective, which is based in attachment theory, polyvagal theory, the neuroscience of parenting and child development, and my own lived experience as someone who had very poor emotional regulation skills until adulthood and has worked on it for 11 years.
Bottom line: Yes - it is okay and even important to show your emotions to your children (with some caveats, which I include below). I think it matters that children see their parents exhibit a wide array of emotions, so they can learn experientially (not just verbally) and through modeling (mirror neurons) that it is okay to feel how you are feeling, while also learning how to regulate and process their emotions.
Now, here are some things to keep in mind (the caveats):
Children look to their mothers, (or the feminine energy in a parent figure), for the following developmental needs:
Emotional regulation and safety
Nurturing and soothing
Consistent presence
Self-image and internal dialogue
Keeping this in mind, it is important that your children see you experiencing a big emotion, and then regulating YOURSELF back to safety, soothing YOURSELF, and being PRESENT with the emotion as it is happening. This will model to the child how they can experience and regulate themselves through their own emotional experiences.
However, if you feel incapable of regulating yourself, soothing yourself, and being present with your own emotions, you could involuntarily model to your kids whatever your maladaptive coping strategy is for your emotional experience. If they see you numbing yourself with food or TV, using them to help you soothe yourself (this can look like asking them to change THEIR developmentally appropriate behavior to regulate YOUR emotions), or make them feel responsible in any way for your emotion, that is when things can get a little dicey.
If children are left with the message: “Mom’s / Dad’s emotions are my responsibility” or “my fault,” they can develop patterns such as people-pleasing, codependency, substance-abuse, or other maladaptive coping strategies.
Bottom line: It is a balance, and it matters that you are learning how to regulate your emotions in a healthy way yourself. After all, you cannot give away what you don’t have.
If you are struggling with guilt for your emotions, repressing, or feeling stuck in your emotional experiences - get support! Reach out if you want to chat about this, I offer complimentary 30-minute Connection Calls.
