The Quality of a Mother’s Happiness Predicts Stability and Children’s Mental Health
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Have you ever experienced something like the following?
You are meticulous about your kids’ nutrition and sleep schedule while you yourself are undernourished and overtired. You often forget to eat, get too little sleep, and don’t even seem to find time to pee without being followed into the bathroom by your kids.
You stay up too late doom-scrolling on your phone because it is the only time you get to yourself, and you’re too tired to do anything else.
You can’t turn your brain off from thinking of all the to-do list items that need to get done around your household - gifts for teachers, planning birthday parties, playdate scheduling, chores, grocery shopping, thinking of what’s for dinner AGAIN, reminding your partner about the trash schedule, thinking about your mother-in-law’s birthday present, etc.
You feel burdened by the invisible mental load of running a household that your partner doesn’t see or understand. You feel resentment and even rage when your partner seems to be able to relax when the house is a mess and there are so many things still on the to-do list.
Going on vacation is an overwhelming endeavor for you. You have to pack for everyone, plan meals, book the rental car, and think of the itinerary for the entire family. It hardly seems like a vacation at all, so you either suffer through it or decide not to go at all.
You often feel like the only adult around - you have to be the parent to your kids, you’re trying to reparent yourself, while simultaneously parenting your boomer parents who are emotionally immature.
You feel like your sense of self and identity outside of motherhood disappeared somewhere along the way, and you’re not really sure who you are or what you even like anymore.
You feel guilty all the time. You feel guilty if you take care of yourself. You feel guilty if you don’t take care of yourself. You feel guilty if you stay at home and don’t bring in income for the family. You feel guilty if you are a working mother and need childcare. You feel guilty for asking for help from others. You feel guilty for how you lose your cool in front of your kids. You feel guilty for how you seem to take out your frustration on your partner. You feel guilty for not taking care of your kids or pets in the way you think you should. You don’t know how to be a mom without experiencing a near constant state of mom guilt.
These are common patterns I see in the mothers I work with. This experience is not conducive to happiness, joy, and contentment for women.
Our society tends to reward women and mothers for self-sacrificing behavior. I’ve witnessed many new mothers struggle with depression, identity crises, and overall stress and exhaustion, feeling completely depleted and under-resourced while trying to put their children and family first. I’ve witnessed moms of young children suffer in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children, making themselves sick and miserable in the process. I’ve witnessed tears, frustration, and rage at the invisible mental burden women carry as homemakers and operation managers for the family. Women are often encouraged and socially rewarded for self-sacrificing behavior. They are rarely, if ever, supported and encouraged to take care of themselves first, which is a problem considering all of the research that shows how important the quality of a mother’s happiness is to their children’s outcomes in life.
A Mother’s Happiness Leads to Positive Outcomes for Children
Studies have shown that a mother’s happiness is the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT predictor of the stability of the family and a child’s ability to thrive as an adult. More so than marital status, income, parenting style, or even the quality of a father’s happiness. Here are just a few of the studies I’ve come across:
Harvard Study of Adult Development
This long-term study highlights that maternal warmth and happiness significantly predicts children’s emotional and social development. Happy mothers tend to foster more stable and nurturing family environments, leading to better out comes for children.Parenthood and Well-Being: A Decade In Review (Journal of Marriage and Family)
A study published in this journal found that maternal mental health and happiness are closely linked to family stability. Mothers who report higher levels of happiness and life satisfaction are more likely to have stable marriages and children who thrive both academically and socially.Study of Early Child Care and Youth Development (National Institute of Child Health and Human Development)
”A thorough study from Ohio State University examines the direct link between a mother’s subjective well-being and her child’s outcomes. Findings suggest that children of happier mothers tend to fare better academically and have fewer behavioral issues.”Maternal Depressive Symptoms and Child Development (Journal of Family Psychology)
This study found children of mothers with higher levels of happiness and lower levels of depressive symptoms exhibited better emotional security and overall well-being. This study underscores the importance of maternal mental health for stable and nurturing family environments.Parental Psychological Distress, Family Functioning, and Subsequent Child Development (University of Michigan’s PSID)
This study examines the impact of maternal happiness and mental health on family stability and child outcomes. Higher levels of maternal happiness are associated with improved mental health, higher academic achievement, and greater overall life satisfaction for children.
The happiness and well-being of mothers MATTER. Not just for the future of their children, but for the future of our society. And, I would also like to note: it matters for THEIR sake as well. We often place a lot of pressure on moms to be a certain way for the sake of their family and children, but it would be nice if we asked them to be healthy and happy as human beings who deserve to know their worth and experience life from a place of vitality. (But that topic is for another article!)
Our current society and social structures are not set up to support women and mothers. In fact, in some ways they are actively harming them. Poor maternal health benefits, the invisible burden and mental load that women carry as default homemakers, a lack of sovereignty over our own bodies, financial strain, limited affordable child-care options, zero holistic preparation for the emotional journey of parenthood, a country that chooses leaders who clearly don’t like or respect women …. these are only a few of the issues women face in the broken systems in our society.
Something’s gotta give - we do need systemic change in our country and in the world. But until that happens, what can you do?
The only sane option is to take the case that you have the power to choose not to participate in the sickness of our society. You have the right to take care of yourself and cultivate happiness. Don’t wait for society to rearrange itself to better support moms. (God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.) If circumstances are shitty, you might as well be happy and well while navigating them.
So how does a mom ensure her happiness is positively impacting her children?
In my humble opinion, creating a life with lasting wellness and happiness requires a holistic lens. It includes intentional consumption (food, media, purchases), daily movement that makes our bodies feel good, time in nature, and supportive relationships and environments to exist inside of. Most importantly, I believe the key to happiness is expanding our emotional capacity - in other words, getting good at feeling bad. Emotional capacity includes the ability to hold space for ALL emotions - even the ones that feel painful to us, such as grief, sadness, anger, rage, and hurt. Emotional and physical pain register in the same part of our brains, so our survival brains will often try to get us to avoid feeling pain (it feels dangerous to our safety). However, the only way out is through. By increasing our capacity to FEEL - the good and the bad - we not only learn how to process emotions, we also intuitively know how to guide children through that process which sets them up for a lifetime of success. You can’t protect your children from the pain of life, but you can show them that they are strong enough to make it through anything and give them the tools they need to heal any experience. You can only guide them through this process if YOU have the courage to take it on for yourself.
It is difficult work - not for the faint of heart. But I promise it is well worth it. I truly believe that mothers doing this kind of deep emotional healing work is activism - it is the key to building a brighter future for all of us. Not only because I believe women are powerful emotional transmuters who can hold great pain for humanity and transform it into love and beauty, but also because learning how to do this work will translate to children who know how to do this work, leading to future adults who are the leaders of our society (politicians, builders, CEOs, inventors, policy makers, and parents). Leaders who are healthy, happy, and making choices from a grounded, conscious place instead of a reactive place of childhood wounding.
This kind of self-care and healing takes an act of tremendous courage and intentionality, an act of optimism and activism. It won’t happen unless you actively and rigorously pursue it. This is the kind of healing I am continuously at work on for myself and for my clients. If you need support on how to get started, don’t hesitate to reach out.
I offer a 6-month journey through this process for mothers who identify as cycle-breakers, family healers, and conscious parents who are ready to take on their healing and alter their lineage for good. You can learn more about this process here or contact me to have a conversation and learn more.
